The cast
Who's who
24 MASCOTS · ONE PARK · NOBODY REMEMBERS HIRING THEM
Twenty-four mascots work this park. Nobody interviewed them, nobody can quite remember taking most of them on, and the two people who might remember have gone very quiet on the subject. They are here, they have always been here, and the costumes fit.
One of them is handed to you the day you sign up. Yours turns up on your member card, and the rest take turns as the house opponent in a practice run. That is the whole arrangement — nothing to learn, nothing to spend, no small print.
They fall into seven loose crews, and it is temperament rather than rota: the ones who look, the ones who change their mind, the ones who turn it around, the ones who count a near miss, the ones who refuse to be hurried, the ones who go again — and Moxie, who is a crew of one and has never once been told otherwise.
The ones who look
four in the crew
Nothing gets past this lot, which is less charming than it sounds. They know which ride is about to stop, which queue is lying to you, and which member of staff is on their last warning. None of them will tell you.
- Gully the Gull
- He is not watching you. He is watching the chips.
- Hattie Heron
- The cards say you will meet a tall stranger. They always do.
- Rufus Raccoon
- One creature's litter is another's sorted collection.
- Mabel Mole
- She has not needed the light in years. Ask her about it.
He is not watching you. He is watching the chips.
The cards say you will meet a tall stranger. They always do.
One creature's litter is another's sorted collection.
She has not needed the light in years. Ask her about it.
The ones who change their mind
three in the crew
Ask any of them a straight question and you will get two answers and a third by the end of the sentence. They are not being difficult. They have simply thought of something better, again, and would like to start over.
- Bramble Badger
- Every ride runs. Some of them run on hope and one spanner.
- Pippin Pelican
- Wrong address, wrong day, wrong beak. Delivered anyway.
- Crumpet Corgi
- All change, please. All change.
Every ride runs. Some of them run on hope and one spanner.
Wrong address, wrong day, wrong beak. Delivered anyway.
All change, please. All change.
The ones who turn it around
four in the crew
Every park has somebody who walks the wrong way up the exit ramp out of principle. This park has four, and they have made it a philosophy, a conducting style and — in one case — an entire approach to being a tortoise.
- Tilly Tortoise
- She has never once been overtaken on a straight.
- Basil Bullfrog
- He conducts from memory, and his memory runs backwards.
- Plimsoll Penguin
- Forwards is a choice. He has simply never made it.
- Snapper Turtle
- The ghost train runs both ways. Nobody asked it to.
She has never once been overtaken on a straight.
He conducts from memory, and his memory runs backwards.
Forwards is a choice. He has simply never made it.
The ghost train runs both ways. Nobody asked it to.
The ones who count a near miss
four in the crew
A rosette for second place, a bin that was very nearly emptied, a queue they were almost at the front of. Nobody in this crew has ever let an almost go past without framing it, and they are extremely pleased with themselves about it.
- Donny the Donkey
- Second place, framed and hung above the fireplace.
- Flossie Capybara
- Nothing hurries a capybara. Not even a queue.
- Wanda Wombat
- Two flakes. She was very clear about the two flakes.
- Gordon Goat
- Tickets, timetables, the staff rota. All of it, gone.
Second place, framed and hung above the fireplace.
Nothing hurries a capybara. Not even a queue.
Two flakes. She was very clear about the two flakes.
Tickets, timetables, the staff rota. All of it, gone.
The ones who refuse to be hurried
four in the crew
A great deal of standing calmly in front of things, and an unshakeable belief that whatever it is will pass. You are not supposed to notice any of them working. That is the entire craft, and they would like it noted that you did not.
- Puffin Pete
- Bags carried, doors held, disasters quietly averted.
- Walter Walrus
- It is not fat. It is insulation, and it is working.
- Otto the Otter
- Whistle, float, and an unblinking eye on the deep end.
- Nelly Newt
- Everything is damp. That is rather the point of a log flume.
Bags carried, doors held, disasters quietly averted.
It is not fat. It is insulation, and it is working.
Whistle, float, and an unblinking eye on the deep end.
Everything is damp. That is rather the point of a log flume.
The ones who go again
four in the crew
Ask this crew how it went and you will be told, at length, about the next attempt. Their faith that the following one is the good one is either the finest quality a fairground can produce or the reason the park holds a budget meeting every March.
- Hoop-la Hedgehog
- Roll up. Every hoop lands somewhere, given enough goes.
- Sparky Squirrel
- Nine times out of ten it is the fuse. The tenth is worse.
- Bertie Bison
- Eight seconds is a long time when the floor disagrees.
- Flip Flamingo
- The first dive is for the judges. The second is for her.
Roll up. Every hoop lands somewhere, given enough goes.
Nine times out of ten it is the fuse. The tenth is worse.
Eight seconds is a long time when the floor disagrees.
The first dive is for the judges. The second is for her.
The one who needs no introduction
one in the crew
Moxie Moose is a crew of one. There was never a second, nobody can remember hiring the first, and nobody has ever managed to tell him that leading a parade is a job somebody assigns to you rather than a fact about the world.
One of him, not one in a million. Moxie is a crew of one because there is only ever one moose at the front of a parade, not because he is rarer than anybody else — the draw is published on the odds page and he takes his chances in it like the rest of them. Nobody was invented to pad his crew out, and he has never asked for company.
- Moxie Moose
- Front of the parade, bass drum first, consequences later.
Front of the parade, bass drum first, consequences later.
Which one turns up is not up to you
One is granted to you the day you sign up, so nobody starts without somebody. Which one you get is a published draw rather than a favour — the odds page shows the arithmetic, if you are the sort who checks.
See the published mascot oddsTwenty-four mascots, and one of them is already yours.
You are handed a mascot the moment you sign up.
Start collecting